And a bogus "PM's version" with press release (also forwarded by KM):
PRESS RELEASE From the Prime Minister's Office
I BELIEVE the attached preamble to be an inspirational and aspirational document that will garner the overwhelming support of middle-aged Australia.
Let me make it clear that I consulted widely on the wording of this historical document, even at one stage calling in Janette's second cousin, who we normally see only at Christmas.
Although I am sure that my political opponents will try to disparage some of the sentiments expressed here, let me just say that Kim Beazley is fat and John Curtin is dead.
It is my sincerest hope that the great Australian people will take this document to their hearts.
I believe it demonstrates once again that the things that unite us are much less likely to score political points for me than the things that divide us.
NEW PREAMBLE To the Australian Constitution As written by the Right Honourable John Winston Howard, PM in Excelsior
WHEREAS we the people of Australia hold these truths to be self-evident:
that I am the greatest prime minister in this country's history, that I am a strong, visionary leader, and that I am much taller in real life than I appear to be on television.
Let it be known that we're really good at sport and that I should open the Olympics.
Let it be acknowledged that some fairly nasty things have happened in our past but that on balance we're really nice.
Let us not deny the simple historical fact that our Aboriginal people were here first (technically, not legally).
But just because they were already here and don't tend to live on prime real estate doesn't mean it has anything to do with us coming along. With guns. Let's just leave it at, "They were here first and we're quite happy for them to stay." (As long as we don't have to talk to any of them, especially the smart ones.)
Let us also acknowledge that God is a good bloke. That he would vote Liberal seems beyond doubt, because you could hardly expect God to live in one of those Labor electorates. I mean, what are the pearly gates if not a security system for keeping undesirables out, just like you see in all the nice suburbs?
Let us acknowledge that we are a multicultural country. Some of my best friends are multiculturals. Foreigners are welcome just as long as they don't bring their ancient rivalries. Or their families.
We also acknowledge that we are a parliamentary democracy, and that I'm in charge. We reckon voting is good, although we shouldn't get carried away with that idea by extending it to the Senate. Unless it's to block supply to a Labor government.
We believe the role of government is to create an environment for somebody else to govern, preferably certain corporations and their CEOs.
We think tax is a good idea, and that nearly everyone should pay it.
We believe that a government should use dogs and men in balaclavas to settle work disputes only when it is absolutely necessary.
We believe in transparency and accountability in government and that ministers should pay back all inadvertently claimed allowances as soon as they are caught.
We believe that the notion that an Australian should be Australia's head of state is a stupid lefty elitist politically correct idea emanating from the Chardonnay set who have lost touch with ordinary Australians and that it is obvious the head of Australia should be that humble, down-to-earth English welfare recipient Queen Elizabeth II, or one of her relos, ad infinitum. Even if Britain gets rid of the monarchy.
And finally, we believe in mutual obligation, and seeing as I've gone to all the trouble of writing this preamble, then you all have an obligation to vote for it.
This is the preamble of the Constitution of Australia: anything herein that may be construed as conferring on any person anything remotely resembling a legally enforceable right should be considered to have been written while my fingers were crossed and therefore doesn't count.
Incidentally, if you can't read this preamble, don't think for one minute that you're going to get any dole money out of us.